


You couldn't have loved me better

by starrynyu



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Feelings, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, This Is Sad, Underage Drinking, but it has a somehow nice ending, for me at least, idk how to tag this man i was just sad and wrote this in one sitting, they aren't together anymore, thought i should tell you, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26473840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynyu/pseuds/starrynyu
Summary: A journey of heartbreak(or the one where bbangnyu didn't work)
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon
Kudos: 36





	You couldn't have loved me better

**Author's Note:**

> well, ready to cry?
> 
> my mental health hasn't been the best lately and writing has proven to be quite the difficult task. however, i was watching anime today, i got sad and finally understood why people write angst.
> 
> in a tmi, i broke with my two year long boyfriend this year and, because i'm still healing, i though it may be a good idea to write some feelings down.
> 
> this is a story about a relationship but, unlike my other fics, it doesn't exactly work out this time. this is sad but is also about growing up and how not all relationships end tragically or angrily. something, a relationship just ends.
> 
> title from [Already Gone](https://open.spotify.com/track/5zCunX8URvLoBHlg1Fnjv6?si=-afQMqbHTsOibCatrk7CLg) by Sleeping at Last aka the song i heard all the way through writing this

“Chanhee?”

The blonde blinked, looking up from his drink. To his left, Kevin’s head moved along with his own, focusing on the source of the new voice.

“Oh,” his voice came out a little broken.

It didn’t go over his best friend’s head, who’s sight travelled back to him on an instant. It was screaming for Chanhee to tell him if everything was alright. With a weak smile and a nod, the blonde focused back on the newcomer.

He’d barely changed in 3 years, his black hair falling over his eyes with ease, his posture straight and elegant, his clothes expensive and perfect. If he wasn’t sure time had passed, he’d have been sure they were still in London, moving couches and fighting over who’s turn it was to do the dishes.

Chanhee hated it.

“Such a surprise to see you in New York, Younghoon hyung.” That made Kevin’s entire body turn towards the taller male, his stare shifting to anything but friendly. Placing a hand on the other’s shoulder, the blonde stud up. “Why don’t we talk outside for a moment?”

“Hee,” his best friend’s voice was filled with concern but he only shook his head in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

It had stopped snowing but the sidewalk was white, some of it wetting Chanhee’s socks. The sky, the little he could see of it, was still grey and sad, which he thought was appropriate. The black haired stud by him, reaching inside his pocket for something he couldn’t see. Exhaling, he placed both hands in front of his mouth on a weak attempt to turn down how freezing they felt.

There was smoke to his side and his eyes jumped to find the other smoking while resting his back on the brick wall of the bar. His face screamed tiredness and there was nothing Chanhee wanted to do more than to caress his check and ask what was troubling him. Instead, he smiled, trying for it to look the least fake he could manage.

“What brings you here? Work?”

The taller exhaled a puff of smoke before shaking his head. “The Jaes are moving together so I came to celebrate.”

Chanhee nodded at that. “I heard about it, congratulate them for me if you can.”

At that, Younghoon nodded. The silence was uncomfortable and the blonde’s chest compressed a little with pain. How long had it been since they share one of those? More than 10 years?

“You look very good,” his voice was small but sure. One of his hands travelled upwards, picking a lock of the light hair in between his fingers. “Finally dyed it, uhm?”

Chanhee could do nothing but to stare directly into the other’s eyes. The same ones that had showered him with affection, that had cried for him, that had woken him up countless mornings.

“You also look very good.”

“Ha, thanks but I think that’s bullshit.”

It wasn’t. No matter how worn out Younghoon seemed, he’d always look incredible. It was a gift, really, one Chanhee used to tease him about.

They stayed there for another moment, saying nothing. The air between them was barely breathable. It was suffocating but, more than anything, it was heartbreaking. Chanhee couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t stand any of it.

“Why did you call for me?”

The black haired dropped his cigarette before stepping on it. The white was tinted with black and Chanhee couldn’t believe he was standing in New York city with Younghoon.

He felt the other’s hand on his when they were both almost at the height of their chests. Blinking, he waited to see what the other was doing. Younghoon stopped both of them when they reached his line of sight before shrugging.

“I just wanted to congratulate you.”

He was surprised the older knew but, at the same time, he wasn’t. They still shared most of their friends and something like that travelled fast, he guessed.

Pulling his hand back, he intertwined his fingers, feeling the simple gold ring.

·····

The air was disgusting, barely counting as air at all. It smelled like hell itself, if Chanhee had to guess what that would smell like. It was foggy thanks to all the smoke and the lasers made it even more difficult to navigate. Sunwoo was grabbing his hands quite tightly, forcing the older to follow him around wherever he went.

Chanhee didn’t want to be there. He couldn’t stand parties and even less if high schoolers were on them. The alcohol scent was just as disgusting as the tobacco one, making him want to throw up. His father was going to scream at him when he could smell all of this on his clothes.

Sunwoo loved parties. He loved drinking, getting high and dancing. He was popular, everyone liked him and, even though he was a year bellow Chanhee on school, he was friendly with the people on his year, way more than Chanhee himself was.

He flinched as the head of a cigarette passed very close to his white button up. If he got a single stain on it, his mother was going to kill him. Why did the younger insisted on bringing him every single time? Sunwoo had his own friends, he didn’t need Chanhee if it wasn’t for studying.

They finally stopped and, to the older’s delight, his friend opened a door. Chanhee almost walked pass him to get out. Almost.

As they stepped on the balcony, he could hear the other greeting his friends. Chanhee keep his head down, his eyes on the floor. He didn’t want to be here but he also knew better than to say anything, to Sunwoo or to his friends.

“Oh, Chanhee hyung!” it was Eric’s voice, he recognised it anywhere. Sighing, he moved his sight upwards to say hello.

It felt like all the air had escaped his lungs. Eric smily face was next to one Chanhee had never seen before. He knew, because he would’ve remembered otherwise. He was the most beautiful boy he’d ever had the pleasure of seeing, in real life or otherwise. His raven hair was quite long, covering his eyes a little. Those eyes, intense and burning a hole on Chanhee’s face.

Blushing, he looked away, moving closer to Eric to mumble a greeting but backing away right after. Neither him nor Sunwoo could afford the school most of the latter’s friends went to but that didn’t mean Sunwoo cut tights with them. They now just hanged out outside of school. Chanhee had never gone, while Sunwoo had stopped going at the begging of the year. None of his friends seemed to care about that fact, as most of them dropped by the younger’s house most days of the week. Eric was one of those friends and he seemed to gain certain appreciating for Chanhee, maybe because he also helped him with homework.

Some of Sunwoo’s older friends, particularly Jacob, had also taken a liking to Chanhee, treating him to dinners or movies. He guessed it was simply pity for the poor kid but he didn’t dare to ask. Sangyeon showed up once in a while with his very expensive car, making all the kids on the building run down to watch it. Chanhee had told Sunwoo he thought he only liked showing up but the latter had told him Sangyeon was too nice to even consider something like that. Rich privilege didn’t sound nice to him but Sunwoo’s point of view had changed a lot in 3 years.

Three different people offered him drinks and Chanhee had whispered a pathetic ‘no’ to all of them, hoping none tried even harder. He’d never been good at saying no and he really didn’t want to drink.

Sunwoo sat to his lift, placing a hand on his upped tight while he chatted with his friends. Chanhee’s head dropped again, not knowing if it was reassurance of something else. He didn’t want to be here.

Jacob asked if he wanted to go with him to grab some more beers and Chanhee accepted just because he couldn’t stand being there either. Yes, inside was horrible, but at least no one could see how uncomfortable he felt.

“No worries, Cobbie, I will go,” the beautiful guy stud up and smiled at him. “Mind coming with me, Chanhee-ssi?”

He felt paralysed, not knowing what to do. He wasn’t very good at talking in normal situations but hot guys made him even less useful in that department. So, he used all of his force to nod at the other boy, which only made his smile grow wilder and softer.

Just like Sunwoo had, the taller boy grabbed Chanhee’s hand and dragged him all the way to the drinks table. Unlike with Sunwoo though, his hands started sweating quick, the nerves of being in such company getting to him very fast. However, before he could pull away, they had reached their destination and the other was grabbing the bottles. He passed two to Chanhee and he begged he didn’t drop them.

“Tell me, Chanhee-ssi, have you been Sunwoo’s friend for long? I haven’t met you before, sadly.” He nodded again, hoping the other would notice he was boring and stopped his questions there. Still, that didn’t happen. “I’m Younghoon, by the way. Is very nice to meet you.” His smile was soft again and Chanhee could feel himself blushing. “Okay, let’s go back!”

“Oh, isn’t that Chanhee?” that made him look up quickly. He never guessed someone from his school will work their way into one of these rich kids’ parties but of course he couldn’t be that lucky. “It is you! Ha, look at that, is Chanhee.”

He wasn’t alone. There were another two boys he vaguely recollected haven seen on the hallways.

“Well, what a surprise,” he shivered as he heard another voice, he would recognise it anywhere. “If it isn’t out little Hee-hee. What are you doing here, looking for a rich dick?” he flinched at that, trying to put distance between him and the other. The older’s eyes shifted to Younghoon and he laughed. “Be careful, Younghoon, you wouldn’t want to be caught hanging out with a fag.”

His closed his eyes strongly at that. He had keep his distance to Sunwoo’s friends, as his friend knowing was bad enough. He didn’t want any of these preppy kinds to find fuel to laugh about him.

There was a loud smack and Chanhee didn’t dare look up. He couldn’t stand any of this. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be home, cooking with his mum and watching tv. He wanted to be on his bed, where he was safe and no one could touch him.

“SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!”

That did it. His eyes jumped to Younghoon, who had dropped all the bottled he was holding onto the floor and, Chanhee guessed, had punched the other on the face. He seemed beyond angry, his face losing all its softness. The other boy was on the floor, looking just as shocked as Chanhee.

“Younghoon hyung…” one of the other boys from his school tried but the taller threw him a look.

“Do you think you can use a homophobic slur just like that? Not to mention in front of two gay guys. Do you need another punch or is one enough to take that out of your vocabulary?”

“Y-yes,” the boy’s lip was shaking.

“Great. Don’t ever dare to talk to Chanhee like that again if you don’t want to lose all your teeth. Did I make myself clear?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t here you.”

“YES!”

“What about the rest of you?”

“Yes hyung!”

“Yes hyung.”

“Of course, hyung.”

“Excellent.”

It was then when he grabbed Chanhee’s hand again, this time dragging his towards the front door and out of the house completely. When they reached the front-yard, he was panting, looking down. The younger was still carrying the bottles so he just stud there, looking at the other.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” he shocked his head fast. “I can’t stand people like that.”

Chanhee bit his lower lip before putting the beers on the floor and grabbing Younghoon’s hand on his own. The older looked shocked but he nodded before reaching inside the pocket of his coat and getting a pack of bandages.

“Talk about being prepared,” the taller chuckled, letting Chanhee tend his hand.

“I get into stupid accidents all the time, so I learned to have a box with me,” he mumbled as he finished applying them. He must have hit the other quite roughly to get this injured.

“You have a very pretty voice,” Younghoon said, grabbing his hand instead of letting go of it. It made Chanhee blush and he looked down for a second before looking back up.

“Thank you.”

···

“Thank you for having me.”

Younghoon cleaned his shoes on the entrance rag. He seemed incredibly out of place on Chanhee’s apartment, his expensive clothes a contrast to the badly painted walls. However, as he looked around, he was smiling brightly, as he was the happiest he’d ever been.

“You look stupid,” Chanhee blurted out but that only made the other laugh.

“Thank you.”

Rolling his eyes, the smaller boy guided the other to his living room, indicating for him to take a sit on the sofa. The black haired did, smile still big on his mouth. It tugged at Chanhee’s heart strings but he ignored that, moving to the kitchen.

He was cooking curry for them. It wasn’t much, he knew, but Younghoon had asked for it once he had accepted to have the other over. The good thing about curry was that it was cheap, because he could buy quite the lot of ingredients and get just as much food in return. He’d learned how to make it from his mum when he turned 6.

“I like your house.”

“You’re the only one,” Chanhee had already started chopping the vegetables before the other arrived so he just had to finish with the carrots.

“Don’t be mean to your house,” he could feel the pout on the other’s voice and he smiled.

“I’m sure it won’t be offended, it knows.”

The taller huffed, crossing his legs on top of the blue couch. He usually seemed big and intimidating but sitting there, his fingers tapping on top of his socks, he seemed tiny and nervous. It was a sight Chanhee had never guessed he would see. Younghoon was always composed, always polite, always perfect. He knew what to do, what to say and how to act. He could find his way out of any problem, no matter how difficult it seemed. That’s who Younghoon was.

They chatted about nothing in particular, mostly school, while Chanhee cooked. No matter how uncomfortable Chanhee was of a person, the taller could make him feel anything but, laughing freely and joking with him, taking his hard and direct comments and twisting them into compliments.

“Are you cold?

Younghoon blinked at him. “No?”

“You’re shaking, don’t you want me to turn on the heater?”

The older’s sight dropped to the floor and he passed a hand through his hair while sighing. Chanhee’s head tilted, not sure what was happening.

“Of course I’m shaking! The boy I like invited me to his house, I’m nervous.”

When he looked up, his cheeks were pink. Chanhee knew so were his, he could feel the warmth there.

“S-shut up.”

“You shut up!”

They stayed like that for a moment until Younghoon passed his arm over Chanhee’s shoulders, bringing him closer. The younger licked his lower lip but felt himself relaxing immediately. He didn’t get it, how much power the other had over him when it came to stuff like that.

“The curry is going to burn.”

He let him go, raising both hands as if saying _I’m innocent._ It made the younger smile before he shook his head and stud to go serve the food. To his surprise, Younghoon followed, grabbing some glassed from the side of the sink and taking them over to the table. Maybe it was something in the air, but as time went by he looked less and less out of place. Yes, his coat was probably more expensive than the entire room they were sat on but that didn’t make him any less of an 18 year old, anxious about being over for the first time.

They ate in silence for the first few minutes until the taller started showering him with compliments about his cooking, the ones he didn’t stop until Chanhee launched himself over the table to shut him up. It wasn’t the big deal, it was nothing really and he knew that, but the more Younghoon said, the more he felt like he’d done something extraordinary.

Younghoon insisted on washing the dishes so much, Chanhee had no option but to give in. He rolled his sleeves and got to it. The younger rested his hips on the counter, watching the older work. They’ve known each other for 6 months and it felt like nothing and an eternity at the same time. What even was this they were doing? Younghoon kept telling him he liked him, again and again. When Chanhee had screamed and asked why, he had earned himself a scream back, which had shocked him enough, but adding the fact Younghoon had told him that was the only way for him to believe him, he was astonished. He was the prince of his private school, no matter how open he was with his sexuality. He was nice and gorgeous, everyone wanted to be on his good side and he could date literally anyone he wanted. So why Chanhee?

“I don’t understand you.”

“Let me help you understand me, then.”

When Chanhee looked at him, he was smiling softly and his insides became a mess.

“Why me, hyung?”

“Oh, well, that’s quite a simple question,” he dried his hands on his sweater before standing in front of Chanhee. He was like a towering God. “Because you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

His cheeks were burning again and he dropped his eyes to the floor. It should’ve sounded fake, Younghoon met amazing people all the time, but why didn’t it? Why did it sound so sincere, it crawled beneath Chanhee’s skin and sat it on fire? Why did it sound so sincere his heart wanted to escape his chest? Why did it sound so sincere Chanhee wanted to do nothing but believe him?

He felt Younghoon’s fingers on his chin and he gave up, letting his head be pulled up. They’d never been this close and he could smell the older’s cologne mixing with his sweat. It shouldn’t have been as nice as it was. If he was being honest, Chanhee was tired, he was tired of fighting with his mind, tired of always being negative and believing the worse of everyone, tired of hating himself, tired or hating others but, mostly, he was tired of not allowing himself to be happy.

Younghoon wasn’t going to kiss him, he knew that. He wasn’t going to because he didn’t have Chanhee’s permission. So they stud there, centimetres from each other until Chanhee closed both his eyes and the distance between them.

···

“What do you think?”

Chanhee looked up from his own homework to focused on his boyfriend’s. How had Younghoon made it past his first year of accountancy being this bad at math was a mystery he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer too. Hopefully for both of them, the other had gotten better in the last few months, so now corrections were focused on a simple detailed instead of having to tell the other to redo the entire thing paying attention this time.

“You got 6 and 17 wrong,” he handled the paper back to the taller and he smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

With a small peck, Younghoon got back to working, erasing the two problems Chanhee had pointed too. They were on the younger’s bedroom, the autumn leaves flying all the way over to his window, reminding them that no matter how tired they were of everything, the year was closer and closer to its end.

Because Chanhee would be done with high school on February, he’d been incredibly busy preparing for exams. When he’d told Younghoon he’d been offered scholarships by some of the best schools in Seoul, the older had lost his shit, inviting him to a dinner so expensive, Chanhee felt wasteful just breathing the air of the restaurant. They both knew he didn’t like stuff like those but on important moments, it was Younghoon’s way of showing him how proud he was and it was Chanhee’s way of saying how much he loved him by going along.

But scholarships meant even more studying than he had done until then and even if his boyfriend understood that, it wasn’t any less annoying. So, the latter had decided they could study together. Chanhee could focus on his own work while also using Younghoon’s to learn more about university’s level problems. At first, the younger had though it was going to be useless but, in the end, it turned out it worked out quite well.

Stretching, he focused back on an english essay he was writing. He felt Younghoon’s hands on his back and was about to scold him for slacking when the older started massaging his shoulders, pressing right where his worse notts were. He moaned in satisfaction, making the other chuckle.

“Why don’t you just ask me for them?”

“I don’t want to annoy you.”

“Shut up,” there was no malice behind the words.

So Chanhee left himself go, taking all the weight from his shoulders by dropping them and leaving his back on the other’s hands. It’s been almost two years and Younghoon still made him feel just as nervous and happy as the first day. It was the magic of love, he liked to tell himself. They’ve both grown, they’d gone to parties, to funerals. They had shared meals, movies and books. They’d kissed, hugged and made love. They’d shared happiness, sadness and anger. They had screamed, cried and made up. They’d done everything Chanhee guessed every couple did and it had feel like the first time every single time.

“Is tomorrow, isn’t it?”

He tensed again but the older didn’t stop his movements.

“Yeah.”

“Do you still not want to go?”

With a sigh, Chanhee shook his head. “No, I want to.”

He felt a kiss on his neck. “I guessed.”

Not able to wait, he turned around, hugging the bigger body before tears started running down his face. “I miss her.”

“I know baby, I know. But she’d be so, so proud of you right now, you know that, right?” he nodded, the sobs stopping his words. “Your mum would walk in right now and scold us for slaking on our work and prioritising cuddling. She’d then throw a package of condoms at you and leave.”

That made his bawl mix up with a giggle. She would. And then, when Younghoon left, she would make him soup, sit him down on the living room and tell him he loved the dark haired, he loved how happy he made him and how much he smiled when he was around. Because she could pretend to be all the rock hard woman she wanted but, on the inside, she’d always been a soft lady.

“She always told me you were her favourite men on the planet.”

The other didn’t answer but he could felt his own sobs on the way his body shake. Younghoon never cried loudly, he barely made any sound at all.

“I miss her too.”

Chanhee cleaned his tears before moving away and cleaning his boyfriend’s, offering him a smile of his own.

“Tell her tomorrow, she’d love to hear it.”

···

The sound of the glass hitting the wooden floors made Chanhee flinch away, moving his feet back before any part of it could reach him.

Younghoon gasped loudly, kneeling quickly to pick them up. It took Chanhee a few moments to join him but he did, convincing himself he could finish this small task before his eyes started to water.

“Be careful.”

The older nodded but didn’t look up. His hair was a mess, locks all over, his clothes soaked by the rain and his briefcase still hang from his back. It was 2am, the food was cold, the wine was hot and the ice had melted. The apartment was hot, as Chanhee had decided he wasn’t going to turn on the AC, telling himself _he’ll be here in 10 minutes_ every half an hour, knowing that turning it on would mean accepting Younghoon was 3 hours late to their anniversary dinner and that Chanhee had waisted 2 hours making it.

“I’m sorry.”

He finished picking up the pieces and moved them to the counter, his own body functioning on auto pilot after half an hour of fighting. He picked up some newspaper and moved the pieces inside. Younghoon dropped the ones he’d picked on top of Chanhee’s ones. Was this all they were now? Broken pieces of something that used to be whole? There was no use in trying to keep the tears anymore and he could feel them flowing down his cheeks, uncontrollable likes his heartbeat.

“I’m sorry,” Younghoon repeated, voice smaller this time.

When Chanhee could finally look at his boyfriend, he was also crying, his face hollowed and tired.

Grabbing his arm, he made both their bodies drop to the floor before letting go again.

“Are you going to be sorry again next time, Younghoon? Will it be _you know how my boss is_ again? Will it be our next anniversary? My birthday? Your birthday? Or the day of my mum’s passing?” the black haired flinched at that and Chanhee shook his head. “I’m tired.”

“I know.”

He lifted his body a little bit, grabbing at his back pocket without ease. He really was tired, so tired his hands were shaking. His eyes couldn’t focus correctly and his voice was horsed from all the screaming. As he looked at Younghoon, he noticed he was tired as well, that he was a shell of the man he used to be. Without thinking, he put the pieces of paper on the other’s hand, which earned him a blink.

“You said your father could offered a position for you. I talked with my university and they offered the transfer with no cost with the condition I start working there as soon as I’m done with this semester. It was my surprise so, you know, happy anniversary.”

Younghoon looked down at the one way tickets to London and started crying even harder. “Thank you.”

“Whatever.”

···

London was huge, huge on a way Chanhee would’ve never guessed. It felt bigger than Seoul in every way possible. It felt like he was suddenly living inside a movie.

His back was killing him but he was so happy, he couldn’t care less. The sofa was heavy and they had to move it three more flights of stairs but he didn’t care about that either. Younghoon was beaming, his expression frowned thanks to all the strength it was taking them to keep the piece of furniture lifted, but he still looked the happiest he’d looked in years. Chanhee sure felt like it himself.

It was a new beginning and even though it was scary as hell, to be all alone by themselves on another side of the world, he couldn’t be any more excited by the possibilities that brought for them.

It took them 20 minutes to get the couch inside their apartment but they laughed and plumped down on their new wooden floor. These past few days had been heaven and hell, as they’d had to move so much furniture, he wasn’t sure he’d have any arms left when the move was over. On the other hands, they hadn’t spent so much time together for, at least, 3 years. They’d talked about everything, they’d watched movies while laying on the mattress without a bed frame they had on their room, they’d cooked and cleaned and done everything on the other’s company.

Chanhee had fallen in love all over again. He’d remember what made Younghoon the love of his life, what had made this relationship what it was.

The taller sat and he could see his face clearly, as his long fringe was pinned with some clips they’d bough on the convenience store the day before after Younghoon had complained how annoying it was to have it all fall over his eyes while they moved heavy stuff 5 flights of stairs. It seemed like he’d rejuvenated, at least, 4 or 5 years. He was lively, smily and the constant dark circle underneath his eyes were gone. He had never stopped looking beautiful like the first time Chanhee met him but he was starting to lose his brightness. Now, however, he was back to the 18 year old that had made the other fall head over heels for him.

Pushing his own fringe out of his face, he sighed. “I really want bleach it.”

His boyfriend chuckled. “I think you told me,” he pretended to count his fingers, “like 400 times. I’m sorry the teacher can’t go around teaching looking like a delinquent.”

Rolling his eyes, Chanhee also sat, staring at the big window to his right. They weren’t living on the most expensive part of London, as Younghoon had intended them too, because his salary wouldn’t have allowed them to. His boyfriend knew better than to offer to pay for it all by himself, instead proposing they settled from something a little less luxurious. It may have not be the most amazing place on the world but it sure felt like it to Chanhee, who hadn’t stopped smiling since he set his first foot on it.

Movement caught his sight back to Younghoon but his heart almost dropped when he realised how the other was kneeling.

“Chanhee, I know the past year was difficult for both of us, mostly because of me and my stupid job. I was careless and I know I need to learn how to sort my priorities. I also know I still have to grow and learn, and that even if I’m the oldest of the two, you’re way more mature than I am. It’s been 5 years and I still love you just as much as I did when we were in high school. You’re still the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and there’s no a single doubt on my mind you will be forever. I love you, Chanhee, love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. You make me want to be the best version of myself I can be, you make want to keep going, you make me want to grown. But I want to do all of that with you, today, tomorrow and forever. So, Choi Chanhee, will you marry me?”

The ring was beautiful, silver and red, the ruby small because Younghoon knew Chanhee didn’t like opulence. Or at least he guessed that, as his eyes were so teary, everything looked fussy and blurry.

“You—” he shook his head, gasping and then immediately chuckled. “Only you would propose while we’re sweaty and disgusting.”

The taller male smiled wildly, knowing the other’s answer before he had to say it. He moved forwards, kissing Chanhee with such love and passion, he felt like he was melting. He was transported back to his apartment, where they’d kissed for the first time against the kitchen counters.

“Not like you need for me to answer but, yes, I’d like that very much.”

Younghoon’s smile grew even bigger, making both of them hit the floor while he attacked Chanhee’s entire body with kissed. He lifted his hand, the sun light shining off the ring.

···

Chanhee sighed, knowing he shouldn’t be surprise. He hadn’t even bother to make dinner this time and he looked over at the clock. 12.18.

Getting up, he walked over to the bedroom, dropping on the king size bed and staring at the ceiling. Was he really that stupid? Did he really think a change in location would magically solve all his problems? Didn’t he consider that the problem was them?

The door clicked open but he couldn’t be bother to get up, to look at Younghoon, to hear another excuse.

“Love?”

It hurt, it hit directly on the chest. He didn’t want to argue, he didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to scream or to break a fucking glass.

When Younghoon sat to his right on the mattress, Chanhee closed his eyes.

“I’m late, aren’t I?”

The tears were back. He didn’t remember when was the last time he hadn’t cry, it seemed it was all he did lately. He felt lonely, he felt abandoned, he felt 16 again, being pushed by Sunwoo during parties he didn’t want to be in. He felt 17 again, sitting his mother’s funeral. He felt 21, eating dinner by himself every day. He felt 22, waiting and waiting for hours for Younghoon to remember it was their anniversary and come home in time at least once. He was 23, having waited all week to have a nice chat with his fiancée and being let down again.

Again and again.

“Chanhee?”

“I was offered a position on NYU.”

“Baby, that’s incredible!! We should go out and celebrate.”

But then Chanhee sat and looked at him and Younghoon probably knew what was coming before the younger had even found the words.

“That was my intention but then I waited for you, like I’ve been doing for 3 years. I waited and the excitements started washing away. I wanted and I started to realised all you do is make me wait. Wait to be your number one priority again, wait for you to think _I want to spend time with Chanhee_. I wait and I wait but there’s no use in waiting, is it?” The tears were falling but he wasn’t sobbing. “Because I can’t change the person you are. Because all I do isn’t waiting, is hoping, hoping for you to be 18 year old you again. But you’re 25 and there’s no use on hoping for something I know I can’t have.”

Younghoon left out a sob then and in 7 years, Chanhee finally heard him cry. “Ch-hanhee.”

The younger shook his head, breaking just like that. He hid his face on his hands, pressing his palm over his eyes to see if it could stop the tears from pouring but there was no used.

Because this is what felt like to lose everything he’d learned to love for the past 7 years. Because they both knew that everything was crumbling, slowly, an none of them could save it, only watch it fall, slowly, almost in slow motion. Because everything was them and growing up had turned out to be worse than saying the same for a decade. Because they were different, because they saw life differently. Because Younghoon couldn’t give Chanhee what he wanted. Because he’d been there for him since the party when they were in high school, when he’d stud of for Chanhee. Because Younghoon had thought him how to be himself, how to love himself, how to be happy and how to follow his dreams. But now it was the time for Chanhee to do all that by himself, because Younghoon was unhappiness, he was waiting and hoping, he was everything Chanhee had fought never to be, because he was the screaming and the crying without the making up.

He grabbed the older’s face, placing a kiss on his lips, letting himself be hugged and, just for a moment, Chanhee imagined they were resting against the kitchen counter of his father’s apartment in Seoul, he imagined they were young and Chanhee needed to lear a lot about life from the other. He imagined they were 20, laying on his bed and dreaming about London for the first time. He imagined things were different, that they were different.

When he pulled away, he placed the cold silver on Younghoon’s hand, leaving part of his heart with it.

“Thank you.”

·····

“Thank you,” he mumbled.

“No problem,” Younghoon smiled and it was sincere this time. He suddenly didn’t look that bad. “I’m glad you found your happiness, you deserve it. Didn’t I tell you? You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

He guessed the words would hurt but instead, they warmed his heard, they felt like nothing but nostalgia and a hug.

“Yeah, I do deserve it,” that shocked the taller, making him blink but then his smiled softened.

“I—”

“Hee!?”

They both turn towards a tall figure. His brown hair was hidden beneath a wool beanie, his long coat rested over big shoulders and a large figure. He waved at him before reaching his side. His expression was as relaxed as always, filled with affection and care.

“Oh, hello.”

“Hyung, this is Juyeon, my husband,” the latter smiled politely, shaking the other’s hand. “Baby, this is Younghoon hyung."

The hand shake stopped and the brown haired smiled felt a little. “Nice to meet you.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re not but I am indeed glad to meet you. Thank you,” he added, nodding at the other’s ring.

Juyeon’s smile was back and he nodded. “Of course.”

Chanhee looked at the two of them for a moment. If past and future could met, he guessed this is what it would feel like. But he wasn’t hurt, he wasn’t resentful. Younghoon had helped him be who he was now, he’d helped him discover himself and he could never hate him, no matter what. He will forever be his first love.

“Thank you,” he said again, earning himself one of those Younghoon smiles, the same one he gave him after beating a dude up on a house party over a boy he didn’t know. Because he was the same at the same time as he was someone different. He’d changed but some things never changed.

“Thank _you_.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading... this is a very personal piece and it took a lot of courage to pushing something so close to my heart. comments and kudos are always more than appreciated. here's my [tw](https://twitter.com/starrynyu) if you want to chat with me or scream at me for writing something this sad.
> 
> in case you're wondering, the next ch of highlight is coming, that's also very personal and it deals with heavy topics so it's taking me more than i thought to write it. thanks for being patient 💕


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